I Heart/Hate the Status Quo: SUV is the New LEV

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It's easy to heart/hate something. SJP and the Sex and the City Girls gave us 'frienemies.' The 80s gave us hair bands. And George Dubya gave us the US Constitution. (Though, to be fair, I suppose the hate equation of that formula would only apply if you were a member of his staff.) So, what is there to heart/hate about Chattanooga, you may ask? Well, plenty, I would say. And in an effort to avoid spending the time to analyze my incredibly obnoxious obsession with all things Project Runway, I intend to spend my time illuminating the heart/hates of Chattanooga. Issue 2: Plaid is the New Black and SUV is the new LEV Did you notice how a couple of seasons ago, everything was black and white with a bold splash of a single color? Well, now tartan plaids are coming in style. If only they could skew a little more toward the Paul Bunyan-ish, lesbians across the land would unite in a drum circle of joy! But there’s another, even more troubling trend on the horizon.

Every time I head into the Greenlife parking lot, I look around at the construction workers. However, in relation to this article, I look at the parking spaces. I drive a nifty little Jetta. It gets decent gas mileage, has a sunroof to burn the baldspot on my head, and— generally— gets me from point A to point B. As I get ready to pull into a space, I always look for the letters “LEV” written in white on the pavement. In case you didn’t know, “LEV” stands for “Low Emission Vehicle.” Theoretically, this should define the Prius, other hybrids, and SMART cars. I would say scooters, but we all know Greenlife recently banned communists and those who wear berets. Now, if I choose not to park in those little LEV spaces, in my 28 mile-per-gallon über-car, what the hell makes Mrs. Soccer Mom think she can park her tank in an LEV space? What’s more, as I pull into the space next to her, she gives me a smug look of superiority as I pull in next to her. Now, Petunia, Pettle, or whatever-the-hell-your-name-is, I don’t care who you screwed to get your SUV, it is not— and I repeat— not an LEV. And, by the way, yes our conspicuous consumption of gas does have something to do with the rise in global terrorism, so eat that along with your $20 grapefruit. Where's the Heart? It’s all enough to make me heart these people for their flagrant disregard for what is considered ‘acceptable’ and, yet, their total lack of understanding makes me want to hate them at the same time. And that is where my problem lies: I should be applauding these people for railing against them man, but they aren’t and I won’t. And at the same time, I don’t want to become them by saying what should and should not be done. But I am. I am going to say what should be done, because it’s time for the rest of us to take back the power we should rightfully have. Encouraging and rewarding those who are eco-conscious by labeling “LEV” parking spaces is the right thing to do. It would also be right to place “I [heart] oil” on SUVs that choose to park in said spaces. For the more militant among us, maybe something along the lines of, "A Soldier's Leg Helped Pay for My Tank of Gas," may be more appropriate. (Not that I am condoning placing cool, locally produced bumper stickers on personal property. In writing. I am not condoning that in writing.) The rich kid ‘tagger’ from my previous column is no more an artist than that kid who was covered on 60 Minutes. And Mom and Pop SUV… park where you should and stop thinking you’re entitled to everything you can get your grubby hands on. Maybe we should place signs reading, “My artistic ability is restricted to elementary attempts at gaining attention,” next to bad street art. Whatever it is, I say we do it soon. What are your thoughts?