This story is part of the Veekly Vorld Noog’s “Veek of VW” series.
Ground is breaking today at the future site of Jetta's House, a Volkswagen-sponsored worship center scheduled to open in early 2009 across the street from the company's future Enterprise South assembly plant off of Bonny Oaks Drive.
"Jetta's House will be a great and mandatory place for all to worship and praise the name of Volkswagen for all of the great things it has done and will continue to do in the lives of its employees, the community, and the world," says Tricia Hunfurt, director of employee compliance for Volkswagen of America. "It is with the aid of worship centers like Jetta's House that Volkswagen will be able to organize its people towards the goal of world automobile domination." According to Hunfurt, a 300-foot Volkswagen emblem will adorn the wall behind the pulpit, and services will be held Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and whenever else company leaders deem them necessary. Sunday school classes also will be held, and each service will include upbeat music from the Volkswagen Praise Team and sermons from a rotating series of "Volksvangelists" who will use marketing materials, press releases, car manuals, and back issues of Road and Track to preach about the greatness and power of the company. "Behind each of its esteemed emblems, Volkswagen Group of America is part of a worldwide family of brands that marry the science of engineering and the art of styling to produce motor vehicles that excite the eyes and stir the souls of drivers all over the world," says Volkswagen of America Senior Volksvangelist, Dante Ulffberger. "The mission of Jetta's House is to provide a warm and open environment where employees and their families can come to receive the message of Volkswagen into their hearts—as well as into their subconscious through advanced mnemonics—so that they may share it with the rest of the community." Jetta's House will provide a "Super Beetles" nursery, children's program, and a reading room sponsored by the Chattanooga Times Free Press, as well as ministries for singles, teens, couples, and "Senior Schnitzels." Coffee and other refreshments will also be available. "Volkswagen is fully dedicated to its people, and all we require is that they remain fully dedicated to us," says Hunfurt. "As long as they agree to do that, we'll allow them to move freely." This story is satire.
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