Officials in the Town of Lookout Mountain, Tenn. won't say why, but according to state records they have applied for a special permit from the Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation to begin a massive earthworks initiative that would raise the official altitude of the picturesque landmark by 17.2 feet. If approved, the project would involve multiple agencies at the federal, state (Georgia and Tennessee), and local levels, including the United States Geological Survey and the Chattanooga Area Convention and Visitors Bureau, and would take nearly six years to complete at an estimated cost of $15 billion.
None of the town's commissioners would go on record, but Roscoe Tilman IV, a legacy member of the Fairyland Club, told Chattarati that the reasons for the proposed elevation include a long-held resentment by members of the downtown Mountain City Club at the fact that the rival Walden Club is located atop downtown Chattanooga's tallest building. "Then you have them building that new mess on Cameron Hill," he continued, referring to the new Blue Cross Blue Shield of Tennessee office complex. He gestured with his can of Bud Light® toward the western edge of the mountain. "It's almost looking us in the eye, and that's just not right," he said. Further comment could not be obtained, as Tilman turned over and appeared to pass out on his poolside lounge chair. Meanwhile, a few residents of nearby Signal Mountain were certain that the move was aimed directly at them. "We already know that we're just the second-tallest mountain in the area, and we're okay with that," declared Melanie Ambrose, a part-time interior decorator and parent volunteer at Thrasher Elementary. "[Lookout Mountain residents] don't need to lord it over us. It's ridiculous. And a slap in the face." Ambrose set down her cup of tisane and picked up a copy of Old Money, New South. She half-smiled as she surveyed its cover. "They may try all they want, but they can't just bury their past," she mused. A state official, who asked to remain anonymous, doubted that the permit would be granted, citing the enormous disruption to natural and historic areas. An alternative plan under study is much smaller in scope: it would boost the altitude of only the northernmost tip of the promontory, in the area occupied by the Chickamauga and Chattanooga National Military Park, by eighteen feet. When asked where the fill dirt for either project might come from, the official pointed to a map and indicated that signficant portions of either Alton Park or Tiftonia, or both, would likely have to be excavated. "[The residents] are used to being called ditch people anyway, so it shouldn't bother them too much." It is not clear how funding for the initiative would be derived. But among the tangible benefits listed on the original permit application is the possibility that visitors to Rock City, a popular tourist attraction on the mountain, would more easily "see seven states" as advertised in promotional materials.
This story is satire.
sumdog on Aug. 27, 2008
Have head about and even been invited to the Walden Club. I heard it's pretty elite. Just thinking about it makes me want to go on a massive killing spree and start a Marxist Revolution.
[This comment might be satire, depending on who is domestically spying on me. Viva La Revolution]